"I'm sorry... We're... We're sorry... yeah... We are... Superheroes from Earth-777. Yes," smiled the mysterious character with a silly green costume who is skinny next to a hero wearing nothing but shorts, and the second man was very thin, wore glasses, and had curly hair.
"State your name," said the interviewer, Diana.
Next to her are Billy and Gabrielle, who pay attention to the duo.
"My name is Jedan Ligera. I am famously known for sharing my secret identity with everyone in the world. I am a Superhero known as Slime Tutorial... When I was a kid... my father was killed by the Old One C'thulhu... so I drank a Splooge vial and became the stretchy Superhero Slime Tutorial-..."
"Huh. Another Inchworm Variant. Wait. You... You INTENTIONALLY turned yourself into an Infected?"
"Yes," said Jedan. "Yes, yes, yes..."
"And who are you?"
"Hi! Uh... I am Christopher Lord. Lord Marvel. I was uh... given the Splooge in an alleyway by a Space Wizard."
"And... And you took it?" asked Billy.
"Dude, I'm trying to interview the junkie," said Diana.
"Can you please NOT call him a junkie?" asked Billy.
"Excuse me. Why did you take the Splooge?" asked Gabrielle.
"When I take it in... Since I'm Infected... I get really... happy... like a really high, y'know? Like.... WOOO!!!"
Jedan interjects. "He doesn't do that anymore. Neither do I."
"You were BOTH junkies?"
"Scratch that. No."
Diana facepalms. "Tell us about yourself."
"We uh... kill bad guys," smiled Jedan.
"Jesus Christ..." said Diana.
"Dude. Filter," said Billy.
Diana sighs. "Right... Mr. Ligera-777, the Starcross Crusaders stand for equity, autonomy, and hope, that kinda stuff."
Jedan interjects. "We only kill bad people."
"Have you ever killed good people?" asked Diana. "Because if that's the case, we can't really... accept you into our team..."
Chris laughs in an unhinged manner. He keeps on laughing and laughing maniacally. "Ahhh... 'acceptance...'"
"Why is he laughing?" asked Diana.
"Whhahahahy not?" smiled Chris.
"I was just talking about killing people."
Chris laughs again.
Jed facepalms. "Listen... uh... which one of you are Miss Diana?"
Diana raises her hand.
"I'm really sorry but we... both of us... have the code to protect the good and fight for what's right. Kill anyone who gets in the way of justice."
"It says here you have... face blindness?" asked Diana.
"Yes."
"So, you can't see other people's faces?"
"I cannot. That is why it is best that when we're in battle, you guys like... wear your... suits... This isn't going well, is it?"
"No," said all three girls.
"Why... do you want to be part of the Crusaders?"
"Because you guys are the best team in the fucking Multiverse. Why not?" smiled Jedan.
"Also, money," said Chris.
"We... need this job... We could finally be someone like... I don't know... Ever heard of the Reaper? Holy shit, that guy is awesome! Greatest Superhero of Earth-777? Guy who kills drug addicts, murderers, human traffickers, and ever other supervillain on the planet?"
"The Reaper Triple Seven is a murderous sociopathic serial killer."
"He kills bad people!"
"Right... Just... aim for your league, dude. Waaaay outta your league here..." said Diana.
Jedan and Chris walk out into the parking lot, with Jedan angrily stomping away.
"Jed?" asked Chris. "Are you mad, buddy?"
"I don't know! Fuck! We fucking suck, man!"
Later, the pair drank in the bar with the name "Tree Drunk". They sat on stools and drank two glasses of fine vodka. They sat down at the chairs, silently listening to the television which reports, "Variants of Various Villains Enter Universe".
"Fucking variants..." sighed Jedan. "Y'know, it fucking sucks that our entire fucking planet is a literal tourist spot for wealthier alternate versions of ourselves from other universes. Fuck 'em."
"Yeah... Fuck... them. Yez sir!" smiled Chris. "Yo... Dude... look."
"Ugh..." Jedan cringed, laying his eyes upon the newest immigrant. "Didn't he adopt some rich kid here in the Philippines?"
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
"Gross," Chris shook his head. "Heard they had a big fight, so the kid like... lives by himself in some apartment or some shit. Fucking gentrification overload kinda shit... Asshole richy boy Fil-Am fucker."
"Psh..." said Jed. "Rich people SUCK man!"
"Yes, they motherfucking do," sighed Chris.
"Look at us! Losing money for some reason working as fucking... Mercernaries for Hire while those guys in the BGC get to fuck bitches or or or dance in cash or whatever!" Jed yelled at the TV.
"I don't think money is danced with," said Chris "Because he's from the high lands?".
"Because he's fucking rich because he literally inherited his money and make other people do work for him! He's illiterate, blud! Who knows what he does with money!? Also, why make it an ethnic thing!?" asked Jed, furrowing his eyebrows and yelling at Chris.
"I don't know! We're Tondo guys, dude!"
"Psh... Fucking... hell... Y'know, man?" asked Jed. "I wish... I wish I'd be someone like the fucking Reaper. Remember him?"
"Yeah... Reaper... The Greatest Superhero of Earth Triple Seven."
"Hahahaha... The Reaper. Absolute gigachad of a man..." smiled Jed.
Suddenly, the television showed the Reaper's acts of vengeance, where various bodies mangled and brutalized are laid out on the ground.
"Holy fuck!" smiled Jed. "Dude, that just turned me on!"
"Hahaha!" smiled Chris, pointing at the Television still with the shot glass in his hand. "That guy doesn't have a face!"
"Too bad PH TV has to blur out literal art."
"The naked headless supervillain lady or the mangled face?"
"WHY would you sexualize the dead!?"
"She's dead!?" asked Chris. "HAHAHAHA! I'm joshing! It's funny because I killed necrophiles!"
"You're the salt of the Earth, Chris," said Jed.
The news then moves on to another report, where a gala with the Starcross Crusaders hosted are there.
"We're gonna crash a fucking party, dude," smiled Jed.
"Why? Because we're Filipino?" asked Chris, before howling in awkward maniacal laughter.
"No. Because the Crusaders will be there. I want one thing and that is to fucking matter... For once... man..." said Jed. "A hero who fucking mattered."
"Yeah, well you already do, bud!" smiled Chris.
"Fuck off, dude..."
Meanwhile...
Miguel Kojoji. A billionaire playboy often seen as corrupt due to his illiteracy, yet he inherited so much money from his parents. He had since moved to this Earth and adopted a boy around 20 years back, leading to a controversial look toward This older, 40-year-old Miguel is known to be promiscuous, having orgies, and even known to be connected with political killings that he had denied any involvement. He is also accused of abandoning and cutting off his adoptive son, Miguel Azral, his own variant. He is an all-out terrible person. He has light brown skin, sporting a beard, long wavy hair, and is an absolute dreamboat, also accused with having drugs while on his TV Show, the raunchy Telenovela Tondo Boy. After quitting the show, he bailed himself out and paid hush money.
He is a terrible person...
Or... is he...?
"WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Miguel smiled, dancing with several prostitutes in bikinis. The lights are blinding and glowing within various beats, rhythms, and booming sounds.
Miguel smiles, as he puts his suit back on and enters his bedroom, which he locks.
"Hey! Mister Kojoji! Wanna do some Greek!?"
Miguel yells out. "Nah blud. I'm super drunk right now... I should go... Alright?"
"Alright..."
Miguel drunkenly walks into his closet. He closes his door and immediately changes his demeanor.
He began walking in a stoic and controlled manner, barely any sound leaving from his footsteps. He removes his suit, revealing his obese body that slowly becomes more muscular each passing moment. His muscles became this sort of incredibly beefy form, forearms and limbs thicker, and his bulk was so massive that he had to arch his back.
He sighs and wears a very simple reaper suit, one without any armor but with soft cloth, but curiously, he manifests a skull over his face. This is the Reaper of Earth-777, adopted father of the Aswang. Suddenly, his body began to be encased with hard, bony armor, as he sneers and releases spur-like claws from his arms.
"Reaputer. Status report," said the Reaper. "Are the orgy holograms well-put?"
"Yep," said the A.I. in the Tombcave.
"Is my design... well... animated well enough?" asked the Reaper.
"Indeed, sir," said the A.I.
The Reaper smirks, seeing the "orgy" to "finish" with his hologram suiting up to go to the gala.
"Perfect..." said the Reaper. Behind him is a computer script of a very ugly alphabet with a very ugly font, barely readable to anyone, as if, as the Filipinos say, "kinalkal ng manok", or "dug by a chicken". That is how ugly the script on the screen is. "Very well." He smirked upon seeing the galagoers.
His hologram is met with absolute disgust by the guests. They lay their eyes upon him. Some agree with his methods while others are absolutely disgusted with him, whispering about him.
"Is my animation douchey enough?" asked the Reaper, now in his Reapermobile, driving across the streets of Manila in pitch black color.
"Yes, Reaper."
"Good... Good, good, good... Mmm mmm mmm..." he stimmed. The Reapermobile moved so quickly and efficiently that not a sound was left from the vehicle except for a soft hum and the wind the blew from behind.
The Reaper smirked, as the vehicle went transparent and parked outside the hotel where the gala is hosted, meant to fund a controversial Head of a controversial Church in the Philippines known as the Black Spiral, Stefan Rivers. In reality, that is the Reaper's target.
The Reaper swiftly scaled the walls and leaped into one of the windows of an empty room in the hotel.
As the hotel's doors open, the Reaper somehow vanished into thin air.
"Was that a ghost?" asked a woman, who was speaking to her rich older husband.
The Reaper kept on going in the hallway, where suddenly, the hotel's staff began to take out batons and try to kill him.
The Reaper takes out his bone claws and brutally tears the first one's face open. He keeps on going, shattering their jaws and skulls open, breaking their body parts and tearing each into pieces. The Reaper growls like an animal, charging into the heart of the building.
Meanwhile, a man in a suit with a thick Irish accent, known as the Judge, sneers, shaking the hand of the hologram of Miguel Kojoji. "Thanks for funding my shit, man. Really. Unbreakable and the Black Spiral are grateful for the donations."
Suddenly, the lights go out, and above the skylight window is the Reaper, whose cape is blown by the wind. He lands before the Judge, squinting his eyes as he takes out his bone claws. He smirks as he knocks down his current target, the Judge, who he stabs in the kneecaps and drags away.
Several guards attack him, but the Reaper looks at each of them, listening, and studying everything about them within a split second. He kills most, but spares others for some reason.
The Judge screams as he is dragged by the Reaper the entire time, only for Slime Tutorial to tackle the Reaper.
"What the fucking shit are you doing, King!?" asked Slime Tutorial. "He's the registrar for all the best Superheroes on the planet!"
"He's compromised," said the Reaper. "Who even are you?"
"I'm Slmie Tutorial. And THAT is my friend..."
Suddenly, stones began emerging from the body of Chris, who was behind the Reaper, growing into a bulking hulky monster. The Reaper just walked away as Chris tries breaking his back, simply dodging and evading his strikes.
Slime Tutorial tries to strike him, but the Reaper masterfully evades all of Slime Tutorial's attacks with relative ease. He even lands on the back of Chris's giant back of the neck, humorously striking his face over and over again.
The Reaper roars. "Listen! You two idiots have no idea what you're-!!!"
The Reaper, in his eyes, sees a soundwave of a gun's click, moving across the room. He turns and masterfully cuts the man's hand simply by throwing a bone star into his hand, causing the gun to expode.
The Reaper began to taste somethig. "Shit... Dark matter..." he said.
"What the fuck is that!? RACISM!?!?" asked Slime Tutorial. "Just because he's black!?"
"I'M FUCKIN' IRISH!!!" yelled the Judge.
"Dude, I can't tell," said Jed. "Your face looks weird, but you're bald, and I assumed you were Diana."
"YEAH!!! WE LIKED YOU, MAN!!!" yelled Lord Marvel. "Wait... What-? YOU SAID THIS WAS DIANA!!!" roared Lord Marvel.
"Why did YOU NOT STOP ME!!?" asked Slime Tutorial.
"I DON'T KNOW!!! IT'S DARK!!!"
"Both of you shut the fuck up," growled the Reaper.
Suddenly, a portal opens, and both idiots are pushed into the portal by...
Unbreakable.
The Reaper lands on his feet and prepares to kill Unbreakable, but... He turns to the portal, and sighs, opting to save the two idiots...