I gritted my teeth and prayed that the pain I was feeling didn't show on my face. The room was still and silent. I was sitting by the window, looking out at the stars while Alma patched up the many wounds Sadie had given me. Sadie had stopped screaming a while ago. The attack was probably over. But she had already done enough damage. Alma had locked her away as usual. We had agreed to check in on her in the morning. Now the only sound that could be heard was Vera's soft sobbing. Vera really did have some nerve.
After all, it wasn't like it was true that Sadie seemed more prone to the attacks than the others. But I hadn't been prepared for this one. She had attacked Vera just a few days ago. This wasn't normal. The attacks weren't supposed to be this close together. She must be getting worse. That wasn't a surprise. She had been getting worse for a while.
It was only a matter of time before we lost Sadie forever. Surely, she would be the first to go. That brought a pang of sadness to my heart. But then I remembered that she had tried ripping my arm off just a little while ago. Soon, the sadness turned to anger. Pity wasn't something I could afford. I needed to learn to let go of Sadie. Pity made that harder. I winced as more pain shot through my shoulder.
She wasn't the one who had woken up to someone eating her shoulder.
"Sorry," Alma whispered. "I'm trying to be gentle." Even Alma would fade away someday. That was why hating her was so important. But it was also hard to hate her. Vera and Sadie were easy enough. I just needed to stop feeling bad for them and see them for what they really were. They were stupid, emotional little brats that Alma spoiled rotten. I didn't need them. I wouldn't feel bad when they vanished. But... then again... I might vanish as well. That was something that I tried not to think about too. Clearly, I needed to get better at lying to myself.
"It happened again," Vera whispered suddenly. "How much time do you think Sadie has left, Alma?" Alma didn't answer her. There was a long pause. I turned back to the window and did my best to focus on the glittering stars in the sky. "What are we going to do with her when she becomes a zombie?" asked Vera. At that, Alma froze.
"I-I don't know, Vera."
"Kill her. At that point she'll just be a danger to us. Besides, no one should have to live like that," I said. My response was honest. But Alma gave me a death glare that was about five times more intense than her usual stern look.
"I don't know about that," was all that Alma said. Okay, maybe Alma was just as stupid as the others.
"What else can we do?" I asked. "Will we just keep her locked up in that room forever, just like we were kept at the labs?" I demanded. My tone was too harsh. Right now, I wanted answers. Talking like this wasn't going to get me answers. It was just going to make Alma angry. At the mention of the labs, Vera flinched and turned back to the wall.
"Blake, you will stop talking about this now. If you don't, I will make you regret it." Alma's tone was firm. A part of me wanted to fight back and yell at her. But I knew better. There were times when I was willing to test Alma, and this wasn't one of those times. She could hurt me if she wanted to. That was one thing that made me hate her a little bit more. "We are all going to lie down and fall asleep. We'll talk about this in the morning," added Alma.
I didn't argue. We all huddled up close to each other and closed our eyes. No rest came to me, and I doubt that any came to Alma or Vera. At last, sunlight streamed in through the windows and filled the room. Alma got to her feet and went to check on Sadie. She led the sobbing, blood-soaked Sadie down to the river to clean out her cuts. Vera followed behind her. I stayed in the shack, alone. Suddenly it was so still and empty. It was as if some sense of security left with the other girls. It took all of my control to swallow the lump that was rising up in my throat. What if it was like this all the time? If the other girls became nothing more than soulless zombies, I would have to live like this.
Was that really something that I could handle? Life, alone, forever. I liked to tell myself that I was strong and that I didn't need anyone. But then I would be left alone and struggle to fight back tears. I was just as pathetic as Vera and Sadie, wasn't I? Suddenly, Dr. Green's words filled my mind. What if she wasn't lying? What if there really was a cure out there? For a moment I let myself imagine a world where my friends and I could all be cured. We wouldn't hurt each other anymore. I wouldn't have to hate them anymore.
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But I couldn’t go back to living in those labs. I couldn't stand the drugs or the needles or a painful surgery. I couldn't live in a cage with no privacy and constant pain. But... what if the others went back? Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. Sobs shook my entire body as I buried my face in my hands and sunk to the ground. No matter what I did, I lost. I couldn't choose between two prisons.
"B-Blake? Is... is something wrong?" I sat up straight and spun around. There stood Alma, Vera, and Sadie. They had come back much faster than I had expected. The last thing I had wanted was for them to see them cry. It had been a long time since they had seen me cry. Oh, how I hated the shock on their faces. How I hated myself for acting so weak. My fists clenched and unclenched helplessly. Emotions swirled through me. Rage won at last. Rage always won. The rage turned itself on Sadie. The pain in my shoulder only added to my anger.
"You nearly killed me last night. This is the second time in a row!" I shouted at Sadie. "I hope you’re proud of yourself! So, you want me dead? Keep dreaming! Soon, you'll be gone forever!" What was I even saying?
"That's enough, Blake!" Alma said. But I didn't listen to her.
"I'll be the one to kill you, Sadie! The moment that monster takes you over, I will end you! I'll kill all of you if I have to and I hope you'd do the same for me. B-because if I ever become one of those... those... things... I-I would want someone to put a gun to my head. Because anything is better than living like that!" With that, my knees buckled, and I sank back down to the ground. What was I even doing? I needed to be strong.
This was everything that I couldn't do. This was everything that I couldn't show, coming out all at once. Suddenly, I felt an arm around my shoulder. Before I knew what was happening, I was being pulled into a tight group hug. My jaw dropped. Of all the things in the world, this hadn't been the reaction that I was expecting. Warmth, a deep, bright, warmth filled my heart as fresh tears filled my eyes. Only a moment ago I had been threatening them and yelling at them. So why were they acting like this?
I didn't know and it didn't matter. For now, I just wanted to let go of my anger and cry. I wanted to cry and cry until all of my tears were gone. Nobody said a word. But we all held each other tightly and cried. A strange comfort was washing over me. Everything was a twisted prison of pain and emptiness. But I didn't have to face it alone.
There were three souls holding me up, supporting me. I wasn't alone. Whenever I calmed down and got a grip, I would end up feeling awful about this whole thing; however, that wasn't something that I needed to worry about just yet. All that I wanted to focus on was the fact that I wasn't alone. Wherever these three went, I wanted to follow. Even if that meant going back to the labs.
Eventually, Alma detached herself from the group hug and headed off with Sadie to find breakfast. I pushed Vera away and headed out to the porch. I couldn't remember the last time that I had cried in front of the others. Hopefully it had been a very long time. What was I supposed to do now? My insides felt all hollow and dull. Where was the anger that I had become so used to? I needed that anger and that hatred. Or did I?
Cure, that word filled my mind. Cure, what a wonderful word. Surely it was too good to be true. But what if it wasn't? What if we could be saved? Sadie was clearly getting worse. She was almost certainly going back to the labs. So, I might have to follow them even back there. Maybe I could handle that. So long as Alma came with us, I could do it.
At last, I let myself admit the truth. Anything was better than being alone with my own fears. Needles and hunger paled in comparison to the horrors that my own mind never failed to dream up. A deep sigh escaped me. It was as if I had forgotten how to breathe and suddenly the air had returned to my lungs. The whole world seemed so beautiful with its blue skies and its golden light. Birdsong filled the air and made my heart dance with joy. I hadn't expected letting go to have this kind of impact on me.
How bright the colors seemed to be. How fragrant the air. I could spend all day sitting in the soft green grass, doing nothing but daydreaming. It was as if some deep-seaded pressure had left my soul. But I had no idea what that pressure was. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Vera. She was looking at me through the window.
I forced a smile. She smiled back. It was her faint, shaky smile, but it was a smile. Good old Vera. It had been forever since I had seen her smile. I turned my attention back to the sky. Now I could faintly hear voices growing closer and closer. I could smell blood. It was Sadie and Alma returning with breakfast. No, it was my friends returning with breakfast.
I could see them now. They were slowly making their way across the field towards the shack. Vera ran out to greet them. After a moment of hesitation, I got to my feet and slowly followed her. It felt good to see their faces. It felt good to know they were here with me, even if they were a threat. No one spoke as we sat down and began to eat.
But I could see smiles on everyone's faces. Why? Last night had been awful for everyone. So, why were we alright? We had no reason to be alright. But we were. Alma was the first to speak. She was always the first to speak. After she had finished eating, she cleared her throat and looked over each of us one at a time.
"I talked over things with Sadie. She would like to go back to the labs. I will be going with her. You two can choose whatever you think would be best," said Alma.
"I will go with you." My voice didn't shake, and I didn't hesitate. This was a choice that I was now certain was right.