Blossom shook herself and let out a groan. Her eyelids were drooping, and her hands were shaking so much that she could hardly hold the pen in her hand. She set it down and stared at her shaking hands. She liked her hands. She liked that she could move them. She also liked the fact that they were attached to the rest of her body. Blossom knew that she should enjoy being in one piece while it still lasted. Blossom allowed herself to savor the heavy silence that hung around her room. The only sound that she could clearly hear was the sound of her own rapid breathing as it became slower and slower and steadier.
"What am I doing?" she asked herself for the millionth time. It was a pointless question to ask. Blossom knew exactly what she was doing. She was doing the exact thing that she had promised herself she would never do. She was making the most reckless decision of her life. She was dooming herself to all kinds of suffering. And she was doing it all because she wanted evidence.
Blossom set her paper aside and tried to breathe. Her mind slowly relaxed. Everything was going to be okay. Thinking about tomorrow wouldn't help her. It would only send her spiraling back into panic. So, instead, Blossom focused on the words that was slowly consuming her. Evidence and answers. She needed evidence to save Mia and Ruby from Lu. And she needed answers to make her brain shut up. Why had the humans done this? Why did they let the rebels exist? Why had Blossom and Lu been punished when Ruby and many others hadn't? None of this made any sense to Blossom. But would answers really be a worthwhile reward for the pain that she was about to put herself through?
Blossom realized that she was pacing now. When had she left the desk? Suddenly her vision blurred, and she nearly walked right into her window. Clearly, she needed to sit down. Answers had been her motivation during the rebellion. She had loved the idea of freedom, but she hadn't been foolish enough to believe in it. What Blossom had wanted to learn was how the humans saw her. If she could understand how her enemies saw her, she would have a better sense of what they wanted from her. In a way, she had gotten an answer. But now, there were more questions on Blossom's mind.
The humans had seen the dolls as things to be played with and controlled. That was what Blossom had learned. But if that was all that they were to the humans, then why had Mary allowed the rebellion to continue? Why hadn't she punished everyone? If Lu was right and the overseers knew all of their secrets, why had they let the dolls keep them? If the dolls weren't toys, what were they to the overseers? Why did they treat Blossom the way they did?
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Why? Why? Why? Why was she risking so much for answers? Because she needed to understand. Blossom glanced out her window at the city streets down below. It was a strangely comforting sight to her. She let her eyes linger on the silvery streets as her body relaxed. It wasn't too late for her to change her mind. But she had already begun her letter to Lu.
How would Ivy feel about all of this if she were still here? What would she be doing? Ivy would have wanted Blossom to join the rebels again. So, crazy as it was, that had been what Blossom had done. She had done it for Ivy. Somehow, Blossom liked to think that could make up for some of the things she had done to Ivy during the games. Now, what she was about to do was five times crazier. She was guaranteed to suffer all the horrors that haunted her dreams once again.
Blossom wasn't guaranteed answers or evidence. But she needed them. The truth was a solid thing. It wasn't a vague idea in the way that freedom was. Slowly and shakily, Blossom got to her feet and made her way back to her desk. This was happening. This was what she was going to do. With gritted teeth, Blossom went back to writing.
It was very difficult for Blossom to keep her anger towards Lu in her mind. But hateful words spilled out of Blossom's pen and covered the paper. It didn't really matter. Lu probably already knew exactly what Blossom thought about her. All that mattered was that Lu understood why Blossom was going to vanish. At last Blossom finished and carefully folded up the letter. She would give it to Lu early tomorrow morning. For now, Blossom just needed to rest. She needed a break from all of the questioning and worrying that she had been doing during the past several days.
Blossom's vision blurred once again, and her eyes closed. Her fear slowly gave way to pure weariness. She had been too jittery to realize just how tired she was. All anger towards Lu and fear of pain melted away. Her mind grew dull. Suddenly, all that Blossom wanted was to sleep. She wanted to sleep forever and never wake up.
Every inch of her aching soul wanted nothing more than to fade away into the darkness that surrounded her. Everything here was so blissfully dark and blissfully peaceful. There was nothing to fear in this little void of darkness. Maybe answers weren't what she wanted after all. Maybe all that she wanted was rest. But there was no way for her to sleep eternally.
But she could sleep for now. For now, she would allow herself to fade away. There was no telling what would happen to her in the morning. But Blossom really didn't care at the moment. That was her problem yet. Her mind went blank as sleep crept over her. For a few hours, Blossom was at peace. She was always at her happiest when she wasn't aware of anything that was happening around her. In her mind, exitance" was pain and emptiness was heaven.