CHAPTER 37: Cheeseburger In Paradise...
The woods opened into a small meadow as we approached the sound of rushing water, “B, does that look like a perfect circle to you?”
His eyes searched our surroundings, “Huh? Why yes, sir, I believe it is. Is it supposed to be this way?”
“I don’t think so. Boss fight arena?”
“Ooh, I believe you are correct, my lor—sir” He caught himself at the end before tossing a ‘Lord’ my way.
The river ran from the left boundary to the right, with boulders stacked unnaturally along the far side to block any means of escape. One rock was much bigger than the others, and indeed looked like a face lying sideways under the fall of water, with large eyes and a wide Pac-Manesque mouth.
The mostly-open field in front of us was surrounded by trees, in front of the trees on both sides, thorn bushes. The bushes spread from our entry position both ways to the water, creating a perfect circular barrier of long thin needles.
We were a step away from entering the circle and I looked to Brenden, “Let’s hope this thing isn’t as big as it looks. If that’s really its head and it’s built like the smaller Elementals, then it will likely be 50 feet tall. Any ideas?”
His exterior took on the look of a hardened veteran, “I’ll circle the beast, keep my distance, and stay on its back as I rain down my Eldritch Arsenal. You keep his attention and do your thing, sir.”
I was surprised to hear the new name, “Is that a new spell?”
“Huh? Oh no sir, same spell, new name of power.”
“Name of power?”
“The words I yell, when I throw my spell. It’s a new one I came up with on our walk.”
I burst into laughter, “Gotcha dude! Ha, you’re the best man. I like Boom Shakalaka, you just have to learn how to say it right. Oh, and Mana Missile, that one was good.”
“I thank you, Kind Sir, but I am saying it correctly, Boom Shak alakah.”
The words don’t actually boost the spell, right? At least, I don’t think so. Although, incantations are a thing. At least based on the robes I gifted Amy, I think that’s for higher tier spells or different classes though. Guess I’ll learn someday.
“You allocate your points from the Elementals?” I asked, making sure we were prepared.
A cunning smirk crossed his face at the question, “Certainly. Strength is up to 20.”
We received two level-ups from the previous fight; I boosted my Strength and Endurance by 5 points each, added 4 to my Dexterity, and put the remaining 2 into Vitality.
“Ready?”
“Aye, sir.”
We stepped into the circle and crossed the expansive field toward the river. With Manasight engaged I glanced back at the entrance to see if we had an out if it goes downhill. The arena was like Bell’s house, we were trapped until the fight ended.
I wonder if the other boss fights were the same and I just didn’t notice or if this is a quest-boss specific function.
Vines grew from each side, meeting to connect in the center of our entrance and exit. The vines then sprouted more of the thorn covered branches until it looked like the rest of the bushes along the edge.
Manasight showed the impassible box that was obstructing our escape behind the first row of trees. The humming vibrations of Mana within the walls rose nearly 50 feet to the ceiling, clamping the lid tightly on our Pandora’s Box. The height of the walls made me worry about the possible size of this boss.
The ground shook violently on our approach. I held out my arm, stopping Brenden from continuing and pointed for him to take the right side while I approach the crooked face on the brook.
The jagged rocky face shifted upright and rocks in all shapes and sizes rose from the river. Silence fell over us as the river hushed for the briefest moment while the rocks hovered weightless in the air. The rocks started moving again. Water cascaded and splashed as the river raged. Each rock slammed into the face as if it were a magnet. The noise level went from being in the middle of a busy quarry, to mudslides and falling mountains.
The rocks pummeling the now rising face created long arms matching the width of the giant head, each stretching out close to fifteen feet in length. The arms jut out from the side of the boulder-head where its ears would be, if it wasn’t a magic rock monster.
Smaller rocks, the size you would use to make a fire pit flew around the creature as it stood to its full height. They crashed into the hand, creating fingers the monster could use to crush us like bugs or flick our heads off our bodies into its mouth like a breath mint.
Mentos, The Freshmaker. Fresh da, da-da.
Taking another look around our makeshift coliseum and trying to think of ways to deal damage, I yelled to Brenden, “Well, at least it’s not as tall as I thought!”
“Indubitably!” He hollered back.
“Hah! I love that kid,” I said to myself while running toward the fully formed boss.
The boss looked around and spotted me jogging at him. A tongue, came out of the mouth and the rock monster licked it’s nonexistent lips.
I slowed for a second to question what I just saw, “What the fuck?..”
[Asinikiwakw—Level 30]
[Apex Environmental Construct—System Generated Local Legend]
“Can you pronounce that?!” I yelled to Brenden.
He tried sounding it out, yelling back to me, “Assee-Nick-Ewok?!”
The boss moved forward out of the river and I laughed, hard.
His legs were comically short. Each leg was made of two rocks, each about three feet in diameter. He wobbled toward me unnaturally fast, which made the cartoonish monster even more laughable, but also more dangerous.
I was pretty sure it came from Native American lore. The local Abenaki tribe had fascinated me when I was young, mostly because of the birch-bark canoes I'd seen on a second-grade field trip. I'd always wanted to make one.
Fist sized rocks rocketed toward my position in a spread as I day dreamed of this big fella’s possible origins.
I danced between them and got to work.
I closed the gap as an arm reached in to grab me, the arm moved much faster than I had anticipated but was still slow compared to my current build. I had no blunt weapons, but Brenden did, so I would keep the big guys attention as he chipped away.
I ducked under the arm, removing Conviction’s Claw as I slid under and sliced at the joints between rocks. My elements didn’t seem right for the fight either as the blow didn’t do any damage, whatsoever.
I kept my sword out as I decided to go back to closed fists. I ran to get some distance but kept his attention as Brenden began charging his eldritch bomb or whatever he called it.
His Magic Pebbles.
I removed a piece of Beast Leather after dancing away as Brenden’s Pebbles started raining down on the rock monster demanding its attention. Me and the boss were on one side of the large arena while Brenden lobbed his rocks from the other, the boss finally spotted Brenden and began moving his way. I used the opportunity to cut a few strips of Beast Leather then wrapped my hands to protect them from the fight to come.
I stored the leftover leather, dismissed my sword, and shot off.
I jumped into the air as I closed in. Brenden was circling back and saw me leap, he tossed a force pebble at the foot of Long Name Rockguy, or girl.
He looked like a man rock, so we’ll go with guy. He/him pronouns.
The pebble blew up on contact, gouging a hole from the ground as the boss lurched forward to trip him up. I landed on top of the boss and started raining shots on his overgrown head. My blows landed hard, but didn’t do much damage. His health was still around 90%, even after the throng of Magic Pebbles that Brenden used and the dozens of punches I landed. I started pushing Gale Charge through my punches and finally started making a dent.
An arm reached over a head... A rocky hand slapped down in an attempt to flatten me but I rolled to the side, avoiding being folded into an accordion. I just kept punching as I tried to imagine more ways to hurt it.
I cast Retaliating Wind.
Both arms swept side to side and I was forced to retreat off of his head and back to the ground.
I rolled out of the way as he spread out his fingers and slapped the ground to try to pancake me. The frustration was clear, I was like a gnat at a barbecue. It brought me pleasure to be an annoyance to the creatures that were literally trying to eat me.
He opened his mouth and screamed, the sound was like that of a dynamite explosion at the same busy quarry.
The same shotgun blast of shattered rocks that started the fight zipped toward my position. I danced like a wave, narrowly avoiding most of the larger debris, the Asini-whatever, reached over to one of the young birch trees and plucked it from the ground, roots and all.
I moved faster, spinning to avoid its free arm.
I finished my spin just in time to watch myself get pulverized.
The tree trunk connected with my upper body. It felt like my entire rib cage just imploded inside my chest, destroying my lungs and other internal parts.
I careened across the boss arena, cartwheeling until I slapped the invisible wall like the gnat I was, then slid down into the sharp thorn bushes.
Pain…Can’t Breathe… How am I alive… Health is beyond Crit. Ugh, fuck me. Can’t move my upper body, so, the potion is off the table.
I tried to yell to Brenden to keep his distance and finish the boss by throwing the rocks, but I couldn’t breathe, so, I definitely couldn’t speak.
I laid in the thorns, a mangled and brittle life, as my body tried gasping for air that never came.
I stared at the sky choking on my own blood and saw something sail through the air. It fell from on high, over of the monster that was moving in to finish me off.
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A health potion.
Shit, good throw kid.
The health potion broke on my face. I opened my broken mouth of shattered teeth and attempted to drink but I couldn’t swallow. It was enough to start healing me though.
I could finally move an arm, so I removed my own health potion and downed it as soon as I was healed enough to swallow, and I drank it just in time.
Just in time to be picked up by the rock monster and tossed into his cool stone mouth on a somehow warm tongue.
CHOMP!
Pain, like nothing I’d ever felt before, surged through my entire body. Sure, the fire sucked. A lot, but this was different.
The health potions did their best to repair me as I was literally being chewed at the same time. I was able to feel what it’s like to be eaten and I gotta say, I’m not a fan. I felt like those poor random items demolished in those old viral videos of someone crushing things with a hydraulic press.
I thought of my past.
I miss her. Maybe I can meet her now? Haven’t I done enough to get that much anyways, even just a quick, hello?
“Mmmm,” The boss monster moaned in pleasure sending a vibration of bass through his body, apparently I tasted, Aight.
I blood cycled.
CRUNCH!
I was flipped around on the boss’s oddly human like tongue, he was trying to adjust his food for a nice pop of flavor.
The gap in his teeth let in just enough light to show the massacre that was my ending.
My legs were flattened out like, well, like pancakes. I looked down at the mess that was my stomach and chest. Large white quartz teeth pierced my back, peeping up through the gory mess. My top half was lying on the monsters tongue as my clobbered and pasted bottom half dangled out of his closed mouth.
I downed another potion just before dying, then another.
I thought of my beginning to this new world.
My anger at life, at what I thought was my death. Our new friends, and all the people I helped.
I did something good there, I did my part to help. A small part, but it was enough. At least, I got Arthur to my parents. I made it that far anyways.
I blood cycled again. Not much Mana left.
MUNCH!
That one hurt. My brain was unable to process the amount of pain I was in. Is my Vitality keeping me alive? I was unsure if I was screaming, probably. Or, maybe I couldn’t? My head was really the only part that wasn’t a complete and utter mess.
His mouth opened again, allowing the passage of light.
My intestines spread throughout the cave, coating the insides of the mouth like a half chewed spaghetti dinner. I looked around to see an organ lying next to me inside the mouth. Then, with a gulp and a vacuum-like suction, the maybe kidney, disappeared down the stone throat alongside some of my intestines. Some intestines still dangled down the back of his mouth and I could feel him gagging on them like a cat hair stuck in the back of your throat, or that one piece of spaghoot that you just didn’t chew enough.
I’m sure these guys will get out of here soon and go back to the camp and take care of everything. They’ll kill the bad guys, then they’ll have a Safe Zone.
Everything will be alright.
Everyone will be, fine.
Muffled screams sounded through the Tomb of Rick.
Meh, I guess that’s what I’ll call it.
Brenden is mad, I wish I could talk, let him know he’ll be okay after this. Cole will take care of him though. He’s a good kid, I hope he chooses to stay with Arthur and the family.
I could barely move my hand but I pulled out my last health potion and drank it.
BOOM!
It felt like a bomb hit the forehead of the creature I was dying inside of. Then, a rumbling underneath.
The potion healed my arm a bit. So, to help the kid out with my last bit of strength, and to leave him my sword as a little going away present, I called Conviction’s Claw to my hand. I stabbed into the warm fleshy tongue as we fell.
CRACK!
I saw the sky again, I was moving toward it.
Was that it, am I dead?
Nope, now I’m falling.
I guess the big guy spit me out when I sliced his tongue in half like that lizard dude who is obsessed with that old juice that came in a glass bottle.
At least I get to see the sky one more time.
THUD!
I heard someone’s voice, “Not yet! No no no no.”
“Ah, Brenden. Nice, throw, k—.”
A pinhole of light.
Then darkness engulfed my world.
The pain was gone. I heard a rushing noise, then I felt, nothing.
I was drifting somewhere but I wasn’t actually there, or here? Huh, what a weird...
Suddenly, power surged through me.
“AHHHHH!” I opened my eyes still screaming. I was already on my feet somehow. Brenden was on one knee staring up at me with bugged out eyes.
I looked over and the big guy was down to a sliver of health, his arm descending on Brenden.
I screamed incoherently as I zipped faster than ever.
“GRRAUPTAAUGH!”
I connected with the falling arm.
CRACK!
Stone exploded around my knuckles.
With one step, I flashed to the body and cracked the exterior. I threw a sequence of rapid punches, each growing weaker than the last. I drew back one final time, pouring every ounce of pain that he caused into my fist.
I thrust forward with every bit of Mana I had left, triggering Retaliating Wind through my hand along with Gale Charge. The boulder vibrated as cracks developed around the circumference. The adrenaline or whatever sort of rush it was, was finally ending. I was back to full health and Rockguy was dead.
The power from my strike left a fist sized hole through the rock. At least that’s what I thought, until I saw the other side of the dead monster. The exit wound looked like someone threw a Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball at the boulder.
I expected an explosion, instead, the rocks tumbled to the ground unceremoniously.
I fell back to the ground.
Brenden approached slowly, “Are you alright, sir?” His squirrel hopped into his chest, disappearing.
“No, but yeah, what in the anime fuck did you give me?!”
“A stronger health potion. I made it whilst we were separated sire. It also gives a five second randomized stat boost.”
I took a deep breath to try to figure out how I was alive, “I was dead though… At least... It’s really that strong?”
“No, it shouldn’t be. You never grayed out on the party indicator, I don’t think you truly died sir. When I administered the potion there was at least point zero zero one percent of a health point left. I’m assuming, if your brain is still functioning, a health potion can still be administered. Maybe not a normal potion. However, this was anything but. The body can shutdown, or ’die’ while the brain is still functioning.” Brenden hypothesized.
Brenden took a seat next to me, “Shit. Thanks man… I was ready. I accepted it while I was in there, but now that I’m here, I’m scared shitless. I could see my own organs, intestines, everything. Just, smooshed around this fuckin’ guys mouth... The pain…”
I looked around at the destruction wrought while I was stuck inside the stone casket. Brenden must have brought out the Hammer as there were stone eruptions surrounding the pile of rocks.
Brenden, doing his best to drag my brain away from the phantom pain asked, “How do you know it was a guy?”
I laughed, “Well, doesn’t it look like a guys face? I don’t know.”
“You shouldn’t assume ones gender Sir Rick.” He said flatly.
I honestly didn’t know if he was fucking with me or not so I shrugged my shoulders, “Eh.”
“Haha!” Brenden broke into laughter, “It kind of did, ‘tis the chin.”
“You mmmotherfucker… I’ll remember this next sparring session.”
His laughter was cut short as his face went still, “You plan on punishing me, over a joke?”
“Yup!”
We both laughed as I stretched back on the grass, placing my hands on each side of my head then hopped back to my feet.
“Show off. How do you do that, sir?” Brenden asked.
“A kip-up? Gotta kick at the right time I guess. I’ll show you when we train tonight. You should have no issue with your stats. Especially with the high Dexterity. Honestly, I probably could have done a few flips before landing, but yeah.”
“Kip, up? Hmm... The name leaves something to be desired, should be something more monumental, more glorious! Ninja, Kick. Ninja, Flip, kick.. Up? No, no. It will come to me.”
I walked up to the dead pile of glowing rocks, “Loot it. You kill, you loot.”
Brenden walked next to me, “Very well,” The glow disappeared and his facial expressions grew difficult to read, “Hmm, yes… I believe so. Very well!” He started giggling to himself as he removed a piece of chest armor from his inventory, “For you, Sir Rrrrick!”
He handed the armor to me and I looked it over. A cuirass with sharp features, it was very light for how thick it was. It looked like metal, even though it felt like stone. Most of the armor was dark gray with deep black runic engravings. Everything but the polished stone in the center was a dull matte. The stone was a black abyss with a swirling display of colors deep within the darkness.
“Another to go with it.” Brenden said, awkwardly pulling out an item with 2 fingers like it was diseased or going to bite him.
It was a weapon that I’d never seen in real life before, only in games.
Excited, I identified the new weapon first as I took it from Brenden.
Inertia’s Flail
Set Item
2 Sockets
47 Bludgeoning and Shredding Damage
+20 Earth Elemental Damage
+10% Increased Attack Speed
+5% Life Steal
+8 Dexterity
Build speed for a more devastating attack. Flail holds top speed until attacking.
Objects in motion…
[Set: Aristotle’s Tutorial 1 of 2]
Missing Set Item: Stasis Shield
+30% Increased Damage
10% Physical Damage Reduction
Set Grants Spell—Unknown
“Shit I need to find the other piece.”
Brenden chuckled, “Definitely, sir. Have you read the armor yet?”
I looked to him with a quizzical grin, “Not yet, why? What’s so funny?”
“Just read it sir. It’s better that way”
Rock Lobster
Epic
52 Armor
+20% Elemental Resistances
+10 Strength
+52 Life
Grants Spell—Shell (Physical)—Mana Cost: 30 Mana—Shell Absorbs up to 200 Damage.
It wasn’t a Rock...
“You sure you don’t want to keep this?” I asked, the stats were actually really good.
“No, you need it... Especially after that. I have my Spriggan armor for now, I enjoy the aesthetics of it. I look good.” He said throwing an impish grin my way.
I laughed, “Come on, let’s head back. That is a funny name though. I like that guitar riff”
Brenden yelled, “ROCK LOBSTAH!”
“My man!” We left the arena behind, laughing on our way back to Glastenbury, “I could devour a Cheeseburger right now… Well, if it wouldn’t remind me of how I was hamburger meat anyways.”