Chapter 13.7

1788858321

It was late in winter, on a night when cold pressed hard against the shutters and the brazier ate fuel as fast as the servants dared bring it. Alianor and Zeid sat over the last moves of a game that had lasted three hours and should have ended in one. They were alone as Triwels allowed captives to be alone: the door unlatched, guards in the outer passage, Sivelle gone to fetch fresh linen from the adjoining room, propriety present in theory and absent in practice.

The board was nearly empty. The light stone had been named counsellor for this game and stranded on the far side, too proud to be useful.

“You are stalling,” Alianor said.

“I am considering.”

“You are considering how to lose without admitting defeat.”

“It requires consideration.”

She smiled.

Zeid had noticed this before and tried not to notice it now. Her face in repose was handsome and severe, a knight’s face, built for armour and command. When she smiled, youth returned to it like a blade drawn from cloth.

He reached for the counsellor. She reached at the same time, intending to force the endgame.

Their hands touched.

Neither withdrew.

For two breaths their fingers rested together on the worn stone, and the guards, the ledgers, the treaty, the walls, and the snow fell away.

Zeid spoke first.

“This would complicate the treaty.”

Alianor did not move her hand. “Everything about you is complicated.”

Her voice was softer than the words deserved. Outside, the wind pressed against the shutters. The brazier threw a low red light across the floor. The game board lay between them, its scarred surface mapped with old victories and older defeats, and the stone counsellor—the one they had argued over when captivity was still young—sat forgotten beneath their joined fingers.

Zeid could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin wool of his sleeve. He could feel his own pulse, too fast, and the ache in his ribs that never wholly left him, and the weight of the letter that had come months ago and changed nothing and everything.

“I received news from Solymer,” he said.

Alianor went still. Not the stillness of withdrawal, but the stillness of a sword-arm before the strike.

“My father is dead.”

He had not spoken the words aloud to her before. Nasir had brought him the news, and later, at Zeid’s command, had told Alianor enough for her to understand why the guards were doubled and why Yasin watched the windows as if grief could climb stone. Alianor had done what she always did when comfort risked insult: she had become practical. She had sent a cushion for his chair, a heated stone for his bed, and a small jar of preserved lemons from the imperial kitchen, because she remembered he had once said they tasted of home. She had not spoken of it.

Now she did not wait.

“How?”

“Knifed. During the bread-giving for the families of men lost in the west. The assassin died before he could speak.”

Alianor turned her hand beneath his. Her fingers closed around his palm, the grip of a woman who had held swords and reins and dying men and had never learned to hold gently.

“How unfair. You are here,” she said. “You are here, and you have not mourned him.”

“A prince does not weep where guards might see.”

“The guards are in the passage.”

She was right. The door was unlatched, the guards beyond the outer threshold, Sivelle somewhere in the fortress with the linen, and the snow falling so thickly past the window that no one would come unless summoned.

Zeid looked at their joined hands.

“He wrote to me,” he said. “Before he died. He offered to dissolve the pledge. He said he would not command me. He said I could choose.”

“I know.”

“I refused. I told him. I was claiming continuity.”

“I know.”

“I never told him—” His voice broke, a crack so small that Alianor might have missed it if she had not been listening with her whole body. “I never told him that I loved him. I did not write that I loved him.”

Alianor released his hand. For one terrible moment he thought she was leaving. Then she came around the table and knelt beside his chair, her face level with his, her hands resting on the arm of the chair but not yet touching him.

“You wrote that you would not remove the stone because it had become heavy,” she said. “He knew what that meant.”

“How could he know?”

“Because you are his son, and you write like him. A man who denies love so carefully has already confessed it.” She paused. “I know. I have done it.”

The tears came without warning.

Zeid had not wept when the message arrived. He had not wept when Nasir told him of the courtyard, the butcher’s blade, the token, the body on the stones. He had not wept when he wrote to Zayn, a careful letter, a diplomatic letter, a letter that said nothing of what it cost to write. He had put his hand against the cold stone of the window frame and kept it there until the chill steadied him.

Now the tears came, and he could not stop them.

They were silent at first, a hot pressure behind his eyes, a tremor in his jaw that he fought with the discipline of years. Then his breath caught. Then his shoulders began to shake. Then he was weeping openly, the sobs tearing out of him so violently that his ribs seized and he bent forward with one hand pressed against his chest where the bindings cut into flesh he had punished since boyhood.

Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

Alianor caught him before he fell.

She did not tell him it would be well. She did not hush him or offer comforts that would have made grief smaller than it was. She knelt on the cold stone and held him, one arm around his shoulders, one hand flat against his back where the bindings ended and muscle began. She held him through the sobs, through the tears soaking into the shoulder of her gown, while the wind battered the shutters and the game board sat forgotten with its stranded counsellor and unfinished war.

She held him until the worst of it passed.

Then she held him longer.

“You cannot breathe,” she said.

It was not a question.

Zeid shook his head, his face still pressed against her shoulder, his breath coming in shallow catches.

“The bindings.”

He did not answer. He did not need to.

Alianor drew back just far enough to look at him. Her own face was wet, he realized. She had been weeping too, silently, the tears cutting tracks through the fortress dust on her cheeks.

“I know what they are,” she said. “I have known since the betrothal. I felt them when you caught me.”

“I know.”

“I have never spoken of it.”

“I know that too.”

“Zeid.” She spoke his name without title, without diplomacy, without the careful distance that had protected them since Solymer. “You are in pain. You have been in pain since I met you. You bind your ribs until you cannot breathe. You cough blood. Your father is dead, and you wrote him a letter about legal continuity.”

He said nothing. There was nothing to say.

“Let me help you.”

The words hung in the air between them. Zeid looked at her—at her wet face, her steady eyes, her hands that had killed men and held him and now rested on his shoulders as if he were a horse that might startle.

“If you see—”

“I have seen enough.”

“And you did not—”

“I did not recoil? Denounce you? Call for a priest, a physician, or a court?” Her voice sharpened. “I am a knight of Esberia. I have fought beside you and against you and for you. I have watched you judge widows and bakers. I have watched you hold a city’s grief in ledgers because grief still required bread. I know what you are. Cloth did not make you a man, Zeid. It only made you suffer like one.”

Zeid closed his eyes. The tears were still coming, slower now, a leak rather than a flood.

“They are all I have.”

“No.” Her voice lowered. “They are what men made you wear so that they could understand what already stood before them.”

“Without them, I am—”

“You are Zeid ibn Seylim. Son of a Sultan. Envoy of Al-Marwiyah. A prince who refused to abandon a woman he might have freed himself from, and a servant the law wished to misplace. No strip of linen created that.”

He looked at her then, helplessly, as if he wanted to believe and did not know which part of himself would be punished for it.

“Men measure badly when they are afraid,” she said. “That does not make your flesh false.”

The lamp guttered once.

Alianor stood and went to the door. She set the latch gently, a small sound that rang louder than it should have. Then she returned and knelt before him again.

“Take them off.”

“Alianor—”

“I will not look if you tell me not to. I will look if you need witness. But you cannot breathe, and you cannot mourn, and you cannot carry this alone any longer. You are not alone. You have not been alone since Durnstain.”

Zeid looked at her for a long moment. The shadows were long, the snow still falling. Somewhere in the fortress, a bell rang for the night office.

Slowly, like a man undoing armour after a battle he had not expected to survive, he reached for the ties of his tunic.

Alianor helped him.

She did it with the practical care she brought to sword-drill, bandages, and guard rosters. She undid the outer tunic first, the wool heavy and damp from tears. Then the undershirt, finer and older, mended at one sleeve with thread that was almost the right colour. Then the bindings themselves: long strips of linen wrapped tight around his chest, layered and knotted and pulled so taut that the skin beneath had reddened and welted.

She unwound them slowly. Each pass of the linen around his body loosened something he had forgotten could be loosened. The fabric came away yard by yard until the pile on the floor looked absurdly large, too much cloth for one body, too much pain for one habit.

At last Zeid sat before her with his chest bare, shoulders shaking, breath coming in ragged draughts that were half grief and half relief.

His body was thin. The ribs showed, badly healed and uneven. The skin was pale and marked with the long history of concealment: chafing, scars, old bruises, the hard lines where linen had pressed deepest. Beneath the wrappings, the soft flesh of his chest had been crushed flat and sore, released now into the cold air of the chamber.

Alianor looked at him.

She did not look away.

“This is what you have borne.”

“Since I was thirteen.”

“Who else knew? Aside from your father and Rafiq.”

“Ruhullah. He said my body was not the fault. He said the fault was in the laws, the clothes, the saddles, the words men used because they feared any body not shaped to their convenience. I listened. I did not change.”

“Because you could not.”

“Because the world would not let me.”

Alianor took the linen strips from the floor and folded them carefully, as if they were not merely cloth but evidence. She set them on the table beside the game board.

“There are no clerks in this room,” she said.

She took her own cloak from the hook by the door and wrapped it around his shoulders. It was wool, lined with something softer, and it still held the warmth of her body. Zeid pulled it closed and sat with his head bowed, breathing while tears dripped from his chin onto the dark fabric.

Alianor did not return to her chair. She sat on the floor beside him, her back against the table leg, her shoulder touching his knee.

“I cannot promise to stop,” he said. His voice was raw, scraped clean by weeping. “When I leave this room, I will have to bind again. The guards will see. The clerks will note what they think they see.”

“Then I will help you bind when you must. But I will also help you unbind when you can. And I will tell you, every time, that cloth cannot grant what blood, oath, and conduct have already witnessed.” She looked up at him. “I know what you are. I have known since the betrothal. Not the body. The man.”

“The man they misname.”

“The man they mismeasure.”

Zeid looked at her. The lamplight caught the silver threads in her hair, the faint lines at the corners of her eyes, the steadiness of her mouth. Court poets would have wasted her. She was beautiful as a fortress was beautiful: built to endure, built to protect, built by hands that knew what they were defending.

“If we leave this fortress,” he said, “and the western courts learn—”

“Then I will answer them.”

“Dukes and bishops and kings?”

“Anyone who looks at you and sees less than the prince who stood before me in Solymer.”

“They will call it unlawful.”

“They call peace unlawful when it costs them glory, and mercy when it spares a throat they wanted opened. I have learned to distrust the word when men use it to hide fear.”

“Alianor.”

She waited.

“When I am with you,” he said, “I do not feel ill-made.”

She did not answer at once. She lifted his hand and pressed it to her lips, not quite a kiss and more than courtesy: a witness to what had passed between them.

Then she said against his knuckles, “That is because you are not.”

They stayed until the lamp burned low and the brazier sank to embers. Outside, snow covered the road that led westward toward Esberia and eastward toward Solymer, while beyond their knowing, southward in Lagoran hands, Rafiq was being written through contracts and chains.

In the grey hour before dawn, Alianor rose. She helped Zeid bind again, not as tightly, not as cruelly, her hands careful where the linen crossed his chest. She fetched fresh clothes from his chest and helped him dress, and she did not once look at him with pity or horror.

When she was finished, she unlatched the door.

Sivelle was standing in the corridor. Her arms were full of fresh linen. Her face was calm, and her eyes took in the scene—Alianor’s hand on the door, Zeid sitting in the chair with the Esberian cloak still around his shoulders, the folded bindings on the table, the tears dried on both their faces.

“The linen,” Sivelle said.

“Thank you,” Alianor said.

They looked at each other. In that look, something passed that needed no translation. Sivelle nodded once, a small movement, and went into the adjoining chamber to sort the sheets.

Alianor turned back to Zeid.

“I will come tonight,” she said.

“Then that prince is fortunate,” he replied.

“He is impossible,” she said, with a smile.

Then she went out, closing the door softly behind her, and Zeid sat alone in the grey dawn light with the Esberian cloak still warm around his shoulders, the folded linen on the table, and the game board frozen in its unfinished endgame.