Chapter 107: Viral Divinity
I sat in my recliner watching old Looney Tunes cartoons with Tala when the phone rang. Reluctantly, I looked at who was calling to see I cared enough to answer.
Despite the fact that it was Pierre, I almost didn't answer. Finally, though, I accepted.
"You need to see this," Pierre said without even a 'hello.' A second later, a link appeared in my text messages. Sighing, I cast it to the television.
I didn't want to see it. I could tell that whatever it was was going to make my evening worse. Tala was annoyed that I clicked off Wile E. Coyote.
Too bad there isn't a show making fun of Raven. Maybe I can fix that.
The link was actually what I expected, the news reporters at the gate.
The headline read, Raccoon God Opens Portal to Another World.
Below it was a thumbnail of me waving my arm at the gate like I was directing traffic. Then there was a second frame of me vanishing into Pierre's shadow with Tala.
Tala and I watched the clip. It started with the blue-haired reporter standing near the gate site. "Hi, my name is Aisling Jones, with KAIN 6."
I frowned, having never heard of the channel. Obviously, it was a digital news company. It definitely wasn't one I recognized.
"For the first time, the entity known as the Great Trash Panda appeared publicly and opened a portal to another world. Also present was Marcus Smith, leader of the rapidly growing Church of the Sacred Raccoon, whose congregation was among the first civilians permitted to cross."
While she was saying this, a picture of Marcus, as well as the official church website, were shown. I had to give it to him, but Marcus was either a great website designer or he'd hired someone who knew what they were doing.
The reporter continued talking, this time switching to a video of the soldiers who had been present. "Military personnel allowed the crossing, suggesting a working relationship between the United States government and the Raccoon God."
"Working relationship," I said. "They blocked us for an hour and then folded when I mentioned YouTube."
"You looked very commanding when you closed the gate," Tala said.
"Of course I did. That's one reason I married you. You recognize greatness when you see it," I said.
I could almost hear Tala's eyes rolling crazily but didn't bother looking since the newsclip was still playing.
"We do have more questions. Who is the squirrel The Great Trash Panda disappeared with? Is she the rumored wife, Tala? According to the church's website, Tala's real name is Trigitala, a descendant of Ratatoskr."
The video switched to a drawing of a squirrel climbing the World Tree, Yggdrasill, complete with diagrams and names.
"For those who don't know, Ratatoskr was known for delivering messages from the eagle at the top of the tree to the dragon at the bottom of the tree."
When the eagle and dragon were mentioned, the newsclip showed images of each of these two as well.
Then the reporter continued, "The world tree supposedly stands at the center of the cosmos and connects every realm of existence. If Tala truly is connected to Yggdrasill, what does this mean?"
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A scene from Thor appeared next, picturing Loki, Thor, and Odin. "The world tree appears in many religions, however Ratatoskr is a Norse myth. What does this mean?"
A picture of Jesus appeared next. "If Tala truly is Ratatoskr's descendant, does this mean God isn't the only god? Or are the Norse gods the true gods?"
This time, a close up of Loki from when he was holding the multiverse together was shown.
"Loki was known as a trickster. He could change shape, something The Great Trash Panda can do. He can travel between worlds. Is there a chance that Loki and The Great Trash Panda are one and the same?"
Tala choked on a grape when she heard that. I just sat there, blinking before I quickly patted Tala on the back.
"This and many more questions will be explored in our new series of investigative reports on The Great Trash Panda. Stay tuned. This is Aisling Jones, signing off."
Great, just great, I thought.
Tala took the remote and scrolled down. The comments were already in the thousands.
Damn. With that many comments already, they will absolutely come snooping around for answers.
However, that wasn't anything I could do about it, so I concentrated on the comments instead. Someone had written, "The raccoon just waved and the portal closed. He has the most casual god energy I've ever seen."
Tala started scrolling down. I watched her just as much as I read the comments. Her reactions were more entertaining than the comments.
"Someone made a fan account," she said.
"For me?"
"For both of us. It's called 'The Great Trash Panda and His Divine Squirrel Wife.'"
She held the phone up so I could see. The account had been created forty minutes ago and already had four thousand followers. The profile picture was a screenshot of me vanishing into the shadow with Tala.
A few minutes later, she said, "By Odin's good eye."
Curious, I tried to see what she was surprised by. Before I could find it, she told me, "They sent a crew to the Church of Resurrection."
She pulled up another clip. Bambi was standing at the edge of the clearing. The blue-haired reporter stood next to her with a microphone. I had a bad feeling immediately.
The first thing the reporter asked were basic questions about the beliefs of the church. This wasn't too bad. At least she didn't say anything about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
After that, they talked about the various animal believers. The reporter even took a few minutes to interview a few of them before turning back to Bambi.
"Can you tell us about the Raccoon God and his companion?" the reporter asked.
"Of course," Bambi said. "Tala is divine. Her full name is Trigitala, and she carries the blood of Ratatoskr, the great messenger who ran between the roots and branches of the world tree. Her bond with the Great Trash Panda is not coincidence."
"So she's a god too?" Aisling asked.
"She is divine," Bambi said. "There is a difference, though I wouldn't recommend asking her about it directly."
Tala made a snorting sound. "It looks like I need to discuss the different levels of spirits and deities with her."
I glanced at Tala, but wisely chose to say nothing.
"Are there other divine members of your congregation?" Aisling asked.
"We also have Mort," Bambi said.
"Who is Mort?"
"Mort is an opossum. He is currently helping the Great Trash Panda feed Lifna."
Aisling blinked. "Who is Lifna?"
"Lifna is a newborn world growing inside the Great Trash Panda's divine realm. Mort supplies her with raw material. It is sacred work."
Aisling stared at Bambi for a moment. "There's a newborn world."
"She is small still," Bambi said. "But growing."
"And an opossum is feeding her."
"Mort has a gift for finding things," Bambi said. "The Great Trash Panda recognized this."
I'd stopped blinking at some point. I wasn't sure when.
"Are there any other divine members in your church?" Aisling asked.
Bambi's ears came forward. "We are very excited about the future. When the Great Trash Panda and Tala have children, that will be a significant moment for all of us."
"They're having children?"
"We don't know yet," Bambi said. "But the betting pool has been open for weeks. Most of us think the children will be raccoons with a squirrel's tail, which would be very cute. Mort thinks they will look like opossums, but Mort thinks everything looks like an opossum, so we don't count his vote."
I stood up but didn't move. I couldn't drag my eyes off the television.
Then Tala cleared her throat. "Speaking of which, Gaia is still waiting for us to consummate our marriage," she said. "How long are you going to keep her waiting?"