Wettle Wettleback was a man bestowed with all the graces, virtues, and sensibilities, well-breeding, good acquaintanceships, and personal connexions could afford to offer, not being himself a gentleman by birth but risen to this station and society after marriage to his impressionable young wife; a well-mannered and agreeable fair lady, of a pleasant, mild, and agreeable disposition, favoured by a satisfactory education covering a wide range of artistic and linguistic subjects, a ready-mind, and a proper, intelligent, reflective, and understandable character, burdened by the tragedies of polite society and its dismissal of any association with her in its most admirable and commendable circles after their unfavourable match and its conclusion; short-sighted and administered by fancy, affection, and the unreflective heart, with the dismissal of any practical concerns regarding this union and the consequences which then would ensue – addressed by family, friends, and close acquaintances, as too scandalous and improper to properly fit the headlines – and on his part, pushed by equal sentiments, affections, fancy, and the opportunity to restore his wife to her previous condition and acquaintance.
Their marriage had been scandalous. Too scandalous indeed! Conversed about openly from the avenues of Oxford to the labyrinthine alleys of Piccadilly; from St Giles to Seven Dials to the theatres Holborn had to offer, and other impoverished areas, where it was represented with the same tragic solemnity as Romeo and Juliet.
The newspapers printed it. People independent of their stations, situations, and rank in life, openly conversed about it. As for the couple? Much joy and happiness followed their way. Invitations to lavish balls were delivered. Gifts from admirers were received. Operas were attended. New connexions, opportunities, and chances, appeared and were established to farther their careers in a society they were already well-acquainted with.
Tragedies were made. Interviews carried and allowed. Books written, published, and printed. Memorials properly placed. And then, a sudden silence. The news had reached their majesties, and their reception had been disagreeable and displeasing to them – not for the nature of the scandal, but for the scandal itself! – it must not be allowed to be conversed about, it must be properly exorted and sanitised so its attention may be removed and redirected to the previous objects of whispered conversation and unsuitable remarks – their majesties.
This was promptly done. An invitation to the Halls of Hypocrisy was delivered to the couple. It was received with much joy and happiness, and a response soon ensued; properly done, written, and devoid of any unsuitable remark about its quality. Perfectly composed.
The couple was received with popular support, applause, acclaim, approbation, and warm encouraging cries on their way to the Halls of Hypocrisy. The reception inside the palace by Their Majesties was just as welcoming and proper as the one received outside, supplemented by punctual remarks and compliments with invitations to strengthen this newly-acquired acquaintanceship, – and a gift – which the unwary couple accepted in their ignorance.
Their titles and the advantages they provided them with were removed, from Wettle Wettleback’s wife’s grandpapa to her papa, a consequence comparted by their lands, attachments, properties, income, and servants. Wettle Wettleback was sent abroad, effectively removed from the public-eye to evade any unwanted attention, but procured with the title of captain within the admiralty and the facilities, correspondences, and mediums, to easily climb its ladder.
His wife was secluded in an estate conceded by Their Majesties, with all the advantages, comforts, and incomes it provided; including a wealth of servants, arable terrains, and a more than suitable income to her station, equal if not vastly superior to what their previous estates yielded, but not to her longing and her grief – sentiments which could not be consoled by the cold touch of coin, tears which could not be dried by the fertile lands, cries which could not be silenced by the echoing halls! For these sentiments had already been conciled and subdued in her novel state of happiness, and the opportunities provided of social intercourse in alien parages.
Wettle Wettleback was a man with a pleasant disposition, and agreeable character, and a constant state of agitation; caused by the minute offices of daily life, his employment to fulfil them, and the manner and expectation of their conclusion.
This made his character complicated to discern, more complicated to comprehend, and so the sentiments and thoughts, which, in earnest, often crossed his mind; whichever be their nature, whichever be the reason for their stirring – positive or negative – his response to these afflictions his countenance never completely revealed, the natural key of his voice never completely expressed, and his actions, in response thereof, never delegated sincere support.
This was one of the reasons why his wife, a person of remarkable intelligence, addressed her letters to him so vaguely; praising in equality things wont both to please him and displease him, unsure of his response to them, but conveyed with the full sincerity and warmth of her affections.
There was much Wettle Wettleback admired, supported, and, in the full capacity of his person, in earnest employed himself. Amongst these things was the colour white. His hair was white, his eyes were white, his skin was white, and so he reflected, why, the whole world must be white!
When somebody cried ‘White!’ he stood, nodded, and in warm agreement proudly rose his head. But if somebody were to cry ‘Black!’ his agitation would increase, his spirits alter in a grievous manner, and his whole person be concealed inside a table.
Black man black news, was often cited in The Empire Of Red And Blue, We Don’t Like Black But We Tolerate It, even if the nature of the news refuted these unsolicited remarks. It was a colour which the empire censured, but a degree of tolerance was allowed.
Þe a-rewe eyethirls i-formed welkenes weren of smale medley earns & bolds conjoined, mid-ward wiþ, in a roundel loȝh overest, a root-fast anred blonk walloped, ayond quhich, minȝinȝ wonninȝs & stræs faw forþe-straȝt in þe reome yore ycleped Natif Londe, afore its yokk by Æng Londe’s ferdinȝs, þence ycleped Colonised Londe.
Yfere on þese stræs blees weren þair ledes, senȝeorabill porcelain loords & levedies & leodes ilich, & wiþinen þair eyen, æmtiȝ & deope, or hal wiþe selliche, cwic kniȝtes & kinȝes te bateill i-brout, climatz of vondir & liff, & fra þair mowþs qhen þai cwaþ, ses & peynted bryddes.
Þair porcelain skinn i-schone wiþoute schine, & costlewe wedes þai wered. Wihes & cwenes weren iliche, o-side fro þe makinȝe of þair gesceaps & þe anornaments þai weren. Deliciovs chariis þai droue to þair daylih offices, y-pult bie headless marm-ston blonks wiþ þair bodies yfild wiþ Abyssinian-tea, i-fished bie þe small-follc aboute þair halses hwanne rekeysted.
Þe blonks leȝes swiðe-lanȝ weren, to tuel-fet & mo, smoþely menȝinȝe wiþ þe middangeard als iff by sygaldrye, aliȝt bie þestri hooked ferli lampes i-wendinȝ. Þe chariis ne couþ schape hadde, but wiþ þe welkene yblent, as didde þair schapes neuly y-bent; nou tre-schapes, & nou albeston, & nou branchis fel of barc al bare, & nou smoþ wid Zephirus ful agreable, to stir herbes, branchis, windowes, pottes, & flours fairre – þair wheles.
Ne loords & levedies þis reame gouerned. Officis uere eschanȝed a-monȝe Natiffs & Colounisers, a-monȝe beestes & boldes & oþere eminences, maior & minor ylike.
& þe onliche vay to differentiate Natiff & Colouniser vas þe feaþere, or þerof lacke, onn þair hayres, for lyk & vnlyk þai weren.
Aninne his cleves nou Wettle Wettleback was. Bove his heved an unwemmed þeatere larve, nou Melpo nou Þalia its anleþ i-shewed, i-wrouȝt of jeueles dearworþ & þurh-schinen ȝolden-veynes i-blikinȝ, & oþere atiffements, eþel-bornne & edmede, i-wendinȝ, whil, aneaþ it, no superficie was for tolterinȝ fet, but a papir unmeet bie a ȝolden-plume i-writ, anuppe vhich þare vas no bred, but a lioune orgulous, anuppe Wettle Wettleback descrived & his wikes i-yemed, nou anuppe a stool, nou a ryal.
Line-right ere him were untelling mayordomos in lightsome and lightless habiliments, each bearing a silver tray with its acquainted lid, and, the overmore they were the closer they were, their bodies and individualities in spirals conjoined to i-schape the chessboard-walls were the eyethirls, ere aforementioned and described, where.
The first mayordomo approached Wettle Wettleback. Mayordomo One. Wettle Wettleback rubbed his tea-cup hat before opening the silver lid and taking the letter. It turned of straw.
The letter was an old, dusty tome of infinite pages, which he took with ease and proceeded to read. – Opening it at a random page. The letter itself was academic, polished, and his name often was attached to a favourable compliment.
It read thus,
The Academic Office of Intelligent Awardes & Merits
Smarthouse, Landan,
Unknown Hour, Unknown Day, Unknown Year,
[To Captain Wettle Wettleback, Vice-Governor of Colonized Land]
Sir,
The Academia is here to inform you that the research letter has reached its intended destination. On it, good sir, ten clausulas were exposed. Ten clausulas pertaining the use of the light-bulb. Discovered, according to the intelligence provided, with a, – Miss Fata Morgana Shelly.
They caused much of a stir in the academic world. They say thus,
A light-bulb, if lit, may add or not so, an additional Sun. this theory was proven by our best astrologers, at the head of which is Mr Telescope. Not only did it prove successful, but the Sun’s properties were successfully comparted.
A light-bulb, if set slightly above the head, can provide an endless stream of ideas (when lit). Another remarkable idea. Not only was it successful, but, as of this instant, our academics remain in their ivory towers, escribing their accomplishments.
A light-bulb, if ordered to, may be utilised as means of transportation. After the accomplishments of the previous two there was little doubt about this one’s success. The Academia’s coach driver, Mr Delivery, was set to the office. Suffice to say, my good sir, that it was a success.
A light-bulb, if tailored well, can be employed as clothing. This one confronted initial contradiction till it was proven correct. Mr Coffee Thé, Their Protestant Majesties own tailor (may they for ever continue to protest), could not be persuaded for this office. The material was beneath him. Instead the office was taken by a poor tailor, Mr Needle. It was such an accomplishment and success in Landan that Mr Needle was elevated to Lord Needle. His impoverished family now lives well-accommodated. And Mr Coffee Thé was obliged to acknowledge its success.
A light-bulb, if fed, can be utilised as a steed. Yet another remarkable accomplishment by a man of sovereign inteligencia. Proven by Mr Delivery. A true success, sir!
A light-bulb’s electric pulse can be utilised as means of communication. This office was assigned to a, – Mr Nicolas Tesla, who proved this theory, sir, elegant and successful. Well-done.
A light-bulb can be utilised as an edifice. When combined. With the previous accomplished success, little fear was about this one’s. indeed. Employed by Mr Steel Frame, the results were pleasing, sir.
A light-bulb can be employed to replace serfs. It was successful and tried by Mr Slaver Caver. The Academia, sir, applauds your intelligence.
A light-bulb can be placed in a lamp. This one was received with much disgression and controversy, sir. It was absurd! Debates arose and councils were assembled to discuss such a controversial idea. Ultimately, its office was delivered to Mr Few Lights. I applaud you, sir.
A light-bulb can produce light. Another success of which little now may be mentioned. Other important matters require your immediate attention.
Miss Fata Morgana Shelly, the young lady in whose name the research was submitted, arrived in visitation to the premises. At her disposal she possessed the documentation required by The Academia. Birth. Identity. Current and previous occupations. Family. And a wealth of intelligence about the research and her partnership with you, sir. Probably obtained through unorthodox means of manipulation and deceit.
The documentation was queried by our experts. Their response was dissuading. They had been written on. They could not confirm the young Miss’s identity. Doctor Herr von Herr Shelly, Miss Fata Morgana Shelly’s father, was summoned to The Academia’s premises to be queried about the Miss claiming to be his daughter.
No satisfactory conclusion was attained. He had not witnessed his daughter’s conceivement. She could be, or not be his. As last recourse The Academia solicited the presence of Mrs Morgan Feii, Miss Shelly’s mother, to prove the verity of the latter’s intelligence and identification. It was as inconclusive as the previous queries.
Mrs Morgan Feii was certain of Miss Shelly being part of her. But this she could not, in complete certainty, confirm. For she had not witnessed her issuing out of her, only felt the dolour of the delivery. Thence, Miss Fata Morgana Shelly was removed, briefly, to the Halls of Bureaucracy, for farther inquiry.
The results, proving unsuitable, caused her removal to The Halls of Empty Words and Thievery. Concluding with her removal to The Court-House of Equal Rights. If her identity is proven and her allegations veridic, she shall be imprisoned. If her claims are unveridical, she shall be fined the annual sum of 10 000 l., and her research approved and considered.
The Academia, however, has acknowledged the wisdom, sir, imparted by you on this research. That is, the capacity to envoy it to The Academia’s premises. Acknowledged and recognised by Their Protestant Majesties, may they for ever continue to protest, with due recompense, sir.
The complete restoration of your wife’s terrains and titles. The acquiescence and bestowal of the title and Barony of Ninnyhammer. The part-time Dukedom of Loony Estates. The title of Doctor Innamorato In Excelencia, accompanied by the titulation of Ambassador of Letters, Words, & Numbers, by The Academia.
With the following titulations and their advantages: Master of The A-B-C, and the Arch-dukedom of Gibraltar with its incomes, farther increased by the added sum of 1000 l., bestowed by Their Majesties, may they for ever continue to protest. These last titulations and their advantages shall not be applied until their physical reception.
At your service,
Mr Academic Snob, Serf to The Empire Of Red And Blue, We Don’t Like Black But We Tolerate It, Governed by Their Protestant Majesties, May They For Ever Continue To Protest.
When Wettle Wettleback completed reading this letter, which was promptly removed by the following mayordomo, – as it was protocol, Mayordomo Two, who then opened the silver lid to present a beating heart ere Wettle Wettleback had rubbed his tea-cup hat (which turned of steel).
‘A letter from Mrs Wettleback,’ said Mayordomo Two.
It read thus,
Pastelmouth Estate,
5th Day of The 7th Hour, Unknown Year,
My dearest Sir Wettle Wettleback,
It is with a heavy heart and much grief that this letter is written. I do hope that the weather in Colonised Land has proven disagreeable with you, and if not to be so, pleasantly disagreeable, so you may be able to read what here is written in full possession of your senses, faculties, and in high spirits, once it reaches your longed-for correspondence.
Here at Pastelmouth Estate things resume without any clear alteration since last you were here, aside from the introduction of our newest neighbours, who removed to the nearby estate; Nearby Estate. A most respectable and elderly couple who, tired of the unpleasantries of the city decided to relocate to the unpleasantries of Nature with their four daughters.
Lord Stick Pocket and Lady Hat Boon are their names. Naturally, they were received with the amiability, cordiality, and sensibility expected a new visitation can hope to impress in new neighbours and rise their spirits in an alien environment; sharing walks in Henceforth Gardens, dinners, exercise, and punctual invitations to balls, soon ensuring a most respectable and needed acquaintanceship, and a chance for their daughters to find an agreeable match.
Lady Parasol Pocket is the oldest. A fair girl with a short-temper, good-natured, and a sensible eye for art. Lady Pick Pocket comes after her, neither younger nor older than Lady Parasol Pocket, but in a suitable space in-between. She is quite fond of reading, exercise, and intelligent conversation, and spends much her time engaged in these nourishing activities with Lord Bald Greyhair, in the gardens Pastelmouth Estate has to offer; Bald Gardens, sometimes accompanied by Lord Bald Greyhair’s wife, Lady No Speech; she does not speak much in her old age and sometimes too much, but her companionship is always welcomed by Lord Bald Greyhair and Lady Pick Pocket, for she is such an agreeable companion!
Lady With Pocket comes after her and has quite the dashing appearance; her hair is long and white as snow, and her tender face is puffed by the tender wrinkles of youth. Her temperament, character, and nature, underscore the markings of a fortunate education and upbringing, and a sensibility and consideration unthought of at such a young age; and, while her two elder sisters have a natural disposition and sensibility toward conversation and art, to which they engaged with with whomever is kindly enough to answer their requests, she differs and prefers to engage in exercises unbecoming of her society and station and more proper for a man: the art of comfortable sitting, which she has practiced for ever so long at her parents request.
Lady Shy Pocket is the youngest and most agreeable of the four, and I do think you would find her much to your liking. She is well-informed about the latest gossips and matters of the world, and her character and nature are simply delightful, as is engaging in conversation with her. My, how well-spoken she is. She reminds me of Lady No Speech. And what a keen eye she has for character and match-making.
News about your accomplishments overseas have naturally reached us with much joy and happiness, and they are greatly discussed in the most agreeable circles of Landan. They have had much of a social impact and influence, too. Yes, indeed! O, do you remember the tea-cup horses we used to drive from Hairy Avenue P. T. to Dulcet Gonodiana to reach the premises of Oddflower Park?
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What fun we had then – and how amusing it was – to see the people there enjoying its pleasantries and delights while openly criticising, or making unsuitable remarks, about their neighbours.
Well, my dear friend Miss Steam Clock – surely you remember her? she is the most adorable creature in the whole world, and can count up to ten-and-two, unless people persuade her, which then she can count up to twenty-and-four, – well, she has confided me in outmost secrecy, which surely means that the whole of Landan already knows, that the horses have been replaced by light-bulb-horses, with their coachmen and their carriages too; but there is much more to it, which is sure to please you, Lady High Brow – the most fashionable and agreeable lady in Landan – says she that she has replaced her famous tea-cup dress, designed by Their Highness own tailor, Mr Coffee Thé, for a light-bulb one, and that all her friends and acquaintances from her party, Lunacy By-The-Bye, have followed her example.
And papa, how very proud he is! But he shall not recognise it, for he is a true gentleman who says less than he thinks and thinks less than he says. And the way he used to address you before to his acquaintances; so impolitely, so improperly and rudely, with such a lack of civility and consideration – and in whispers too! – while his acquaintances, in approval, nodded in denial, as he cried,
‘I shall not allow the thought that my dear daughter married such a man – a jester – so unsuitable, so scandalous, so below her station, situation, and rank in life, because he could play ball and amuse her – – while refusing an excellent match with one of the best medics Landan had to offer; a man well-educated, of a respectable family and with a handsome income, – well capable of procuring for her and satisfying her every need, and which she refused because he was too healthy and she could catch the flu! I shall not tolerate this impropriety gentleman, not till my last breath is drawn!’
Has well shifted after the restoration of our former titles and terrains, with their attachments, properties, and incomes, and so Lord With Midwit still cries, but this time as high as his lungs shall allow him, and his acquaintances, vigorously, nod in approval! Surely that means something.
They have also been published and printed in a substantial amount of renowed academic papers,
BREAT-TAKING DISCOVERIES TO-DAY
Sir Wettle Wettleback, academic, researcher, a man belonging to the highest of societies, discoverer of the ten uses and properties of the light-bulb, which so have taken Ængland by surprize, formerly writ and published under the pen-name of Miss Fata Morgana Shelly – in the prestigious academic paper To-Day To-Know. – What an extraordinary and exemplary gentleman he is! And how humble, rejecting the discoveries and merits as his, and utilising an unsuitable name instead to favour the lesser intellectual sex, overpowered in fields of study commanded, reserved, and directed by men.
-Written by Mr True Word, Less Academic To-Day.
With these pleasant tidings are also those unwont to bring any pleasure or satisfaction. A tragedy has occurred! A great tragedy as it was foretold! Lord With Midwit did constantly advise,
‘Miss Eleanor, you must proceed with caution when nourishing Lord Bald Greyhair, or he shall choke. Be sure all is ill-prepared, at uneven temperature, and crude when possible.’
O, it did come to pass! Poppy Ponn Ponne, our Nemereian lion from the savannah’s of Jang’a’koo has passed away, choked by his favourite mechanical hummingbirds, too small for his wide-world throat to allow proper entrance, and from then onward things have only worsened.
Lady O, My God’s! whole character was so shaken by this importune happening with grief that she commissioned a graveyard to be constructed in his honour, while she concealed her head under the earth, as an ostrich may perform, attempting to engage in conversation with him and rejecting any sensible notion to put it out – oblivious to Trustful Servant’s persuasions and Good Handmaiden’s logical reasonings, much as were her tries.
Lord With Midwit did no better. O no, it has been quite terrible! He has incarcerated himself in hermitage in his study, inside his favourite tome – The Weird Adventures of Fiddle Fiddlesticks – and denies any entrance, visitation, or interruption from any one, be it family, acquaintances, or household servants.
Poppy Ponn Ponne has perished, but that means little, only that he is thinner. For he still walks the gardens with the same – or almost same – vitality and vigour as before. And his diet has been accordingly altered to evade any farther incidents to portions disproportionate to what his throat allows.
I pray for your late return to re-conduct their ill-guided minds to the commendable and sensible path of sanity, reason, and logic.
For ever at your service,
Lady Eleanor Midwit, Baroness of Ninnyhammer, Heiress of Pastelmouth & Greyhair Estates, Ambassador of Letters & Numbers, Part-Time Duchess of Loony Estates by The Generous Hand of Their Protestant Majesties, May They For Ever Continue To Protest, Wife & Husband To Lord Wettle Wettleback, Baron of Ninnyhammer, Ambassador of Letters, Words & Numbers, Part-Time Duke of Loony Estates, Doctor Innamorato In Excelencia by The Generous Hands of Their Protestant Majesties, May They For Ever Continue To Protest, Beloved Husband & Wife.
When Wettle Wettleback ceased perusing its contents, he dismissed Mayordomo Two ere the letter could be removed, opening his porcelain chest and placing it with the other hearts produced by his wife, ere closing it with a click!
The proceeding letter was brought by Mayordomo Three. Wettle Wettleback rubbed his tea-cup hat, as he had done the previous time before, it turned of straw. It was, no doubt, a fair letter. He opened the silver lid before taking the letter and inspecting it.
The letter had impressed on its envelope the sigil of Highrank, a lion eating its own tail as it turned into a lamb, belonging to one of the eldest families in Ængland, with connections to the crown, Highsociety; whose sigil was also near, a lamb turning into a lion eating its own tail.
The wealth of the envelope underscored the poor vulgar qualities of its contents. It was a poorly-written letter, lacking any sensibility, any feeling, any reflection, or the soft delicacy and perceptive form of address which often accompanied the tender feminine hand – leaving much implied in what little may be said, alluded or hinted at – when delivered to its receptor, for the enjoyment and happiness of both parties in the comparted pleasure of mutual correspondence.
A happiness and joy this letter did not encourage but dissuaded. It only underscored its own merits and accomplishments, it only seeked its own pleasure and gratification, supported by altered criticisms and carefully chosen replies beneath a shallow veneer of impropriety, conceit, and self-serving compliments, well-connected but not easy to discern, to stir on its reader sympathetic sentiments and attachments, as it indulged farther on its own delighted self-appreciation.
It read thus,
Wettle Wettleback,
These improprieties must conclude,
LADY ATTENTION SEEKED; DARING OR IN PAIN?
One of Landan’s most seeked out and requested dames, surpizes us with a novel state, a novel change. But why? What could be the reasons to cause such an unprecedented change? To cause such a daring? Keep reading to find out!
‘I was not expecting this,’ says a reliable source. ‘it must have been dreadful for such an agreeable lady to proceed to such lengths and desperate measures. We wish her a speedy recovery.’
-Written by Mr Next Page, The Times.
I alter the colouration of my hair, and I am received by these claims, these unfounded remarks and criticisms. These deceptions. And only they seem to worsen.
THE EVE OF LANDAN; OR HAS EVE TRULY RETURNED?
To what lengths would you proceed for attention? How much are you willing to sacrifice to be in the headlines; would you put in the line family, acquaintances, society, and respectable connexions to acquire the title of Daughter of Landan, and rise well above them all?
Lady Attention Seeked, a respectable damsel who claims to dissent attention, but is always found with a camera near her and pen in hand, has certainly surpassed these Biblical notions!
‘When the gentleman saw her that way, they ignored her, shewing how well-bred and educated they were ignoring the advancements of such a lady,’ says Miss Bill Board. ‘But once she disappeared at an avenue’s corner, they entreated her, and had her asked to join their parties. She is truly an example worth pursuing.’
-Written by Mr Headlines, St James Gazette.
I shall not address these criticisms more than need be. My gown was in an untidy state and had not been properly tailored with the exact measurements sent from Shall Estate, and which should have been correct as always they were. I unsuspected this and wore it as usually done.
Then I asked James to prepare the horses for my daily park dalliances with Lord Combed Curl at Eastone Park. No incident preceded us, and we both were much inclined for a little exercise on its premises, for the weather was agreeable with us as were the personages present in the park.
Our exercise proceeded pleasantly enough. Without incidents or alterations, but with amiable conversations with found acquaintances, and schedules and schemes for future invitations. It was when I knelt to pick one of Flora’s flowers, for so had stricken my fancy enraptured by their perfumes, when my gown unfolded.
I was abashed and coloured at the impropriety. ‘Pray, let no one had witness,’ thought I. But gentlemen and ladies belike so had. The shewed me to an avenue’s corner to conceal my self, and there escorted me to elude any more damage than what had already been caused to my person by this unforeseen incident. I shall never forget their kindness.
In the mean-time James had been dispatched by Lord Combed Curl to fetch a gown according to my instructions, and which I shifted into inside one of the lord’s houses, unfortunately the media had already caught up to us; photographs were taken, articles were written, and the attention which so I disagree with, increased.
O, but it only worsens,
NOVEL IMPROPERTIES NOVEL LOVER; OR HAS A QUARREL PASSED?
Hand in hand has Lady Attention Seeked been found with a handsome fellow; comparting carriage rides, exercises in the park, and social intercourse in the estates and manors of the gentry. Could he perhaps be Lady Attention Seeked’s lover? Where is he from? What are his intentions with the Daughter of Landan? Turn the next page to find out!
-Written by Rubber Penn, The Daily Chronicle.
This needs little address, nor to be fully addressed. My brother had returned from his journey overseas to invest and increase his fortune with that of his fellows. On his return he was much solicited by his investors to provide account of his success in a business which he refuses to inform me about.
Pray, Wettle Wettleback, address these cumbersome inconveniences or I shall deliver another ten-fold of letters to all The Empire Of Red And Blue, We Don’t Like Black But We Tolerate It, till these distasteful claims have been properly dismissed.
Lady Attention Seeked, Duchess of Vanity & Mirror Estates, Daughter of Landan.
Then the fourth and last letter was brought by Mayordomo Four, a negro! Chaos ensued; any remains of propriety and civility were lost in the beldam. Mayordomos collided into one another, crying out loud ‘Black man black news!’
Others shivered of fright so much they turned into sugar-cubes, tea-cups, and other kitchen utensils. The chambers shifted without rhyme nor reason, but Mayordomo Le Black’s character and disposition remained unperturbed and with all the graces and virtues of civilised society, awaiting his master’s indication (who was trembling inside the table), to address it.
So he was provided, and he proceeded thus,
Admiralty Office of Salty-Water
Nowhere Port, Elsewhere,
[To Captain Wettle Wettleback, T. M. V. The Bucket In The Head]
Sir,
This letter contains the latest intelligence about the whereabouts of The Whisper That Travels North But Never Back South, approved by the Lord Commanders of The Admiralty, effectively concluding our last correspondence. It also contains the commands you are to follow thence.
The Whisper That Travels North But Never Back South was sighted near Then. Ten of the most accomplished captains from The Navaltry of Inclusivity, with their vessels, were commanded to pursue,
Captain Racist Fellow, with his admirable vessel, The World’s Inclusivity Means Its Exclusivity, Captain Shackles For Chuckles, with his speedy vessel, The Long Chain Shall Befall Us Rain, Captain Penny Sterling, with his wealthy vessel, The Wealth of Ængland Is Not In Landan, Captain Fire Firetorch, with his vehement vessel, The Water Which delights Us Is The Fire Which Embraces Us, Captain Breathing Mann, with his silent vessel, The Tripulation of The Breathing Vessel Is Alive, Captain Travel Long, with his expeditory vessel, The Black Sails of Gongomery, Captain Good Manners, with his elegant vessel, The Minute Things Which Presently We Hold True Shall Bring Us Great Rue, Captain No Colour, with his psychedelic vessel, The Colourless Depression, Captain Opium Mann, with his verdant vessel, The Favourable Ænglish Herbs To Dream About, and Captain Iron Hand, with his commendable vessel, Where Is My Hand?
The pursuit proceeded without alteration. The Emperor of Regnum Gothorum and Brazilia, Reikereþs Kinþaswinþe Receswinþe I., did not interfere, and any unnecessary notifications to his person were successfully subdued. Reinforcements from the empire’s capital, Toulouse, by his empress, Hildoara Baddo Maharani I., to hinder the vessels smooth trajectory and progress, or suppress them with armed Catholic Convoys ere their mission was successfully accomplished, were also unreported and unsighted on The Whimsy Sea.
The Whisper That Travels North But Never Back South was successfully tagged to the eastern realm of Nahar, where captain Butterbeer Beerback proceeded to disembark with his crew along the coast. At a cautionary distance, so did each of the ten-thousand men station inside the vessels.
For they were to many, and them to few an armed force to obtain a satisfactory conclusion if combat were to be established.
Intelligence was familiar enough with us to acquire a reasonable conclusion about what Captain Butterbeer Beerback sought there; the fabled Statue of Gandhaama, concealed in the Sacred Serpentine Temple of Be-Seth. There he intruded upon with sword and flint, causing much chaos on his way in, while the native folk resumed their daily labours unaltered and unbothered.
But, contrary to our expectations, he did not return with the fabled statue, but with the midrii mathur of Ka’arash, Hattusha Harika Hash Hush, claiming the want to attempt conjugal life. The midrii mathur of Ka’arash, Hattusha Harika Hash Hush, is daughter to the mashii ka’an, Murshili Red Crossing Path, and the nerii ka’at, Anatolia Nivary Nesh, as well as a lady whose equal loveliness and ugliness are unparalleled and unquestioned in Elsewhen, holding, in excellence, both titles simultaneously as their mistress, and the traits, delightful and disproving, which often accompanies them.
For these reasons the realm of Ka’arash has inhabited an uncertain diplomatic space. Incapable of strengthening its ties with neighbour realms other than through diplomatic procedures, material exchanges, and minor political matches, – apt for short-term stability and survival, but not quite enough to procure safety and much needed wealth to a realm whose main source of income is the fabled sand-fish, and to whom its wealthy peers; Kash, Dahari, Padwa Mahar, In Sadirii and others worth notice, remain unsure, if not discouraged, on how to properly proceed.
Addressing the midrii mathur as ‘too favoured’ or ‘too unfavoured,’ but ultimately choosing neglect or a perpetual state of indecision.
When news about their daughter’s enlevement reached the mashii ka’an and the nerii ka’at, they sent, after her and in celebration, the gal mashedi, as the traditional dhrii nadii was carried on their flight to conclude with the Solah Shringar, pleased to have their daughter finally removed from their hands by a man who perceived her as ‘Pleasant enough to look at!’
The men joined their festivities to their conclusion, invited by the pirate. They fired their bubble-muskets in celebration smearing their surroundings with multi-coloured bubbles. Their civility and propriety is unquestioned. An example to all the empire! They joined in the spreadeation, warmly congratulated the happy newly-wed, and provided them with worthy presents. Among them the Statue of Gandhaama, presently acquired for the occasion.
When the wharfs in haste were reached Captain Butterbeer Beerback ingressed inside his vessel with his tripulation and newly-acquired bride. The latter of which he disposed of, claiming weariness of conjugal life, throwing her overboard. From there his wife joyously entreated him. She was with child. They ranged from one to a thousand! But she compelled him not to fret; they were make-believe, so they could await his return ere their birth.
After the recount of these events, and the aideture of this fair lady, the pursue was resumed on The Whimsy Sea. Many were the loses.
Captain Racist Fellow has often been censured by the Board of The Admiralty for his discriminatory conduct and its consequences. If his person were not supported by his nautical accomplishments, and the income provided to the mother-land in the form of manual labour, removal from his offices would have been immediate.
However, this does not elude consequences from the current occurrences. The Royal Navy of Equality and Inclusivity, recommends, amongst its captains, the admittance of distinct coloured folk within their vessels, to prevent the robbery of their person by touch, if so were to be successfully achieved, to facilitate its removal and restoration.
Captain Racist Fellow fell victim to this. His obsession and allowing admission only of imprisoned negros within his vessel, provided the needed facilitation for his person to be robbed without complications, in so begetting ten-thousand Captain Racist Fellows, their detachment from the convoy, vending the-previous-captain-now-a-negro at the nearest slave-port, and establishing The White Black Hand, a naval office, employed, solely, to the catching and vending of negros.
The negro was promptly retrieved by The Royal Navy of Equality and Inclusivity and put to labour in the rice fields, while recommendation letters were promptly supplied to the ten-thousand Captain Racist Fellows, offering a suitable position and income for their employment, should they choose to join.
Captain Shackles For Chuckles confronted a functional issue. A wall from his vessel, overburned by exertion, collapsed. The wall argued of poor labouring conditions, stress, and constant pressure. Captain Shackles For Chuckles attempted negotiation to restore the wall to her previous, silent condition, offering an overall betterment of her environment.
However, this was unsuccessful. The wall rebelled, furnished herself human shape and name, Boudica, and proclaimed herself Queen of Wall-World and the Wall-People, with the later unconditional support, and, by her side, her King, Madohado.
The conflict, as of this letter’s correspondence, continues unresolved. Inside the vessel’s walls, and outside their premises.
Captain Penny Sterling, on the other hand, refused suppliance of the travel-tax for passage to the merfolk, claiming a toy insufficiency, when, at his disposal, he has a weal of them.
Captain Penny Sterling’s vessel was halted, till Yellow Tale picked it up to amuse himself with, confounding it for a tulip. Captain Breathing Mann, much like Captain Penny Sterling, was momentarily halted, but his reasons were far more critical; the tripulation of The Breathing Vessel Is Alive had forgotten how to breathe and their captain was trying to reimpress on them this natural office.
Captain Travel Long, in his usual erratic manner, favoured the exploration of nearby islands over the completion of his offices, promptly dissuaded from the current pursuit.
Captain Good Manners could not disallow himself to choose ignorance when a party of harpies offered social intercourse, not just responding to their pleas with affection and sensibility, but supplying his vessel and his person as well to their complete disposition and employment.
The Triad consisting of Captain No Colour, Captain Opium Mann, and Captain Iron Hand, with their respective vessels, successfully pursued The Whisper That Travels North But Never Back South, that is, till a colour hesitated to abandon his natural place, moment which they were obliged to abandon the pursue to attend to their other, more important offices.
Mayordomo Le Black momentarily ceased reading the letter, observing his master’s trembling disposition but uncertain of what conclusion to attain from it; it could be fright, excitement, or something unrelated to the letter itself.
‘Do tell me what happened! No, no. Do not tell me Le Black! I cannot bear to hear the tidings. Yes, yes! Do tell me Le Black. But what if they are good news? What if they are bad news? What if nothing truly happened?
‘Did Captain Fire Firetorch use the wrong fire, perhaps? Did he mix them up? Tell me Le Black! I must know.’
‘According to this essay, sir,’ responded Le Black with the dignity of character and disposition his master was devoid of, at this moment, and under the current circumstances. ‘Captain Fire Firetorch instead of using the typical blue fire, to set both, ship and sails afire for a speedy journey, used water.
‘The entire crew drowned, and the ship choked. A case of bad coughing, illness, and a sour throat. They were forced to stop in the main-land to restore themselves.’
‘Continue Le Black, continue! I am intrigued. Do not leave me on this dreadful position or I shall have you white-washed. Yes, indeed. The whole world should be white!’
And Le Black resumed reading the letter, deaf to menaces whose chances of happening were uncertain.
With this intelligence at your disposal, you shall now, sir, be informed of your office. The Whisper That Travels North But Never Back South must be seized, and his captain, Butterbeer Beerback brought to justice for refusing a dinner invitation by Their Protestant Majesties, may they for ever continue to protest, claiming indisposition due to a stomach-ache.
The dinner must be accomplished. Butterbeer Beerback brought to the glorious person of Their Protestant Majesties, may they for ever continue to protest. The vessels at your disposal, sir, have already been loaded with the necessary instruments to rehearse this dinner; tables, tools, stools, and other instruments.
May Lady Luck provide you with the needed fortune to conquer this arduous office,
Lord Horatio Nelson, KB, Admiral of The Royal Navy of Equality and Inclusivity, Victor Over La Armada Invencible, Serf of The Empire Of Red And Blue, We Don’t Like Black But We Tolerate It, Under The Gracious Rule of Their Protestant Majesties, May They For Ever Continue To Protest.
‘Prepare my vessel Le Black!’ said Wettle Wettleback a-rising from inside the table with a sudden burst of confidence. ‘No, better do not (hand in chin, deep in thought and slightly cowering)! Yes, do. Prepare my speediest vessel.’
‘Which one, sir,’ responded Le Black. For all shared equal speed on The Whimsy Sea, unless it bid it different.
‘The Bucket In The Head!’